Right, then…so, I’ve been here in Paris for almost a year & a half, now.
I’ve learned a few things in that span of time. Just a few.
Of course, being from a relatively small town in northern Colorado, living here is quite different…people aren’t spread out – there are millions of people condensed into a city that really isn’t all that big.
I suppose it’s sort of like living in a really big clown car…
Maybe it’s just me being an ignorant foreigner, but now that I have spent some time here living among the natives, I now see that I didn’t know a damned thing when it comes to living among one another & being neighborly. I mean, I had always thought it was all about being polite, quiet & minding your own business – but, I obviously don’t know as much as I thought I did.
So, here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Don’t walk – STOMP. Throw all of your weight on to each foot as you move yourself from room to room. This is even more effective if you do this while making several laps from one end of your apartment to the other.
2. When talking on the telephone, make sure to open a window so that you can stick your fat head outside. This will enable you to let more people other than the person on the other end of the telephone line to really hear that shrieking & cackling that you might like to think of as a “conversational tone”.
3. Spend more free time fighting with your boyfriend. Do this as dramatically as possible & at the highest volume that your vocal chords will allow. For an added effect, move the fight around to a variety of locations: the stair well, the front lobby, the outer hallway of your apartment building…& by all means – make sure to throw things! It’s always handy to keep something in the hand, like a cell phone – something that is sure to end up in pieces.
4. Listen to that shitty Beyoncé song as many time in one day as you can. Do this every day & continue for at least 6 months. After that, find a shitty Jack Johnson song & repeat the process for another 6 months.
5. Have your boyfriend play dress up while singing & dancing along to the soundtrack of “Hedwig & the Angry Inch” at a good, high volume any time between 11pm – 5am.
6. Vacuum your entire apartment at least 3 times a day.
7. Put your giganta-normous fucking speakers on the floor so that any poor suckers living below you can enjoy some 3am techno, too.
8. Get a high-powered flashlight & shine in to the windows of the people who are living across the street so that they’ll know you’re there.
9. Get drunk & lock yourself out of your apartment. This way, you’ll have a good excuse to knock on the door of the guy living upstairs. Tell him that you want to jump out of his window; he’ll quickly understand that this is your clever plan to get back in to your apartment & he’ll never, ever forget what a mental giant you are.
10. Have all of your girlfriends over so that you can all jump up & down while screaming while “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is blaring in the background.
11. Let a bum into the building & invite him to crap on the floor of the stair well.
12. When retrieving your mail from the mailbox, discard any unwanted junk mail by leaving it on the floor near the front door of the building.
13. Pick a fight with someone else in the building. Scream at them in front of someone else’s door so that they can enjoy it, too.
14. If you ever see any old ladies hanging out of their window, take a picture of them, then wave.
15. Put things like cigarette butts & old Styrofoam in your neighbors’ flower pots & herb gardens. It will make them feel useful & they’ll be glad to know that you’re thinking of them.