…I can’t go out there. Someone might see me. They might stand too close to me. Then what? Then it all begins all over again. It all unfolds again. The rapid heartbeat, the stomach churning perspiration, the nausea…I need a cigarette…jeezus.
Wondering which words are the lies. Wondering what it might be like to be some microscopic explorer…wandering around, lurking and crawling in all of their hidden caverns…wondering what sort of magical or repulsive truth may be hidden there.
Sometimes, I don’t want to know. Sometimes, I don’t want to explore. Sometimes, it’s just better to hide…to crouch in the darkness where they can’t touch me can’t hurt me can’t tell me any stories, no, no, no…nice and safe and I’m ok here….and I have a pen…and this brand new notebook – no one can touch me here. No one can tempt me into pretending that anything is real because I know that here in my shadows it’s all real…all real and perfect and safe and oh God, what about when I have to get up and walk out the door tomorrow…all of those faces. I can’t do that…I can’t wear that face for them tomorrow I won’t do it can’t do it not anymore…so what if they don’t like it – I don’t care anymore don’t care what they say what they think what they do. I’m right and I’m wrong and I’m me and I just don’t believe in walking around hollow and shiny anymore…sometimes the sunlight hurts. I can do it I can do it I can do it…I have this nice shadow…I have this pen…and this brand new notebook…