The “Fuck It” Method for Fleeing the Country

Just in case any of you have ever thought that you might like to flee the country & live elsewhere, I’ve decided to share with you my own, patented 10-point system to make it happen.

1. Stop dating. Dates are horrible rituals that feel more like an audition, anyway. Fuck that – start dating online. The best way is to find someone in another country so that you don’t have to go out to dinner or movies or any of that shit with them.

2. After about a year of emails, phone calls & trips overseas, begin the process of inundating yourself with a bunch of bullshit paperwork & red tape to bring your foreigner to the United States.

3. Decide, “fuck that” when it becomes too much work. Discover that it’s easier for an American to go to another country than it is for a foreigner to come to the states. Remind yourself that the more distance between you & Bush, the better, so leaving the U.S. is not such a bad idea, after all.

4. Begin studying the language of the country that you will be moving to; mainly statements related to beer & enough bits of foul language that you can use to start a fight with.

5. Start selling & giving away your shit. You can use eBay, or just go to work & invite people to come shopping at your apartment.

6. Give your employer 2 months notice of your departure. Stop working the next day, but continue to come to work to collect paychecks. Well, at least for a little while. Then just say, “fuck it” & stop coming in completely when it gets too boring.

7. Decide that selling stuff & packing things in an organized fashion is too much work. Fuck that. Gather up the things that you absolutely cannot live without & get a moving company to come in & do the work for you. This is much easier as you can just smoke cigarettes while watching them save you the effort.

8. Remember what Tyler Durden said about “the things you own end up owning you”, then leave the rest of your furniture & other belongings not taken by the moving company in the apartment & say, “fuck it”.

9. Grab your cat, your plane ticket & your suitcase. Go hang out at mom’s house & at friends’ houses for a few weeks since you are now essentially homeless.

10. Arrive at the airport. It’s right about now that the reality of what you’re doing sinks in, so you’ll have to make a great effort not to shit your pants before the car is parked. Once the car is parked, run to the nearest bathroom & unleash the fury, which will likely cause everyone else to quickly evacuate while gagging with watery eyes.

Any questions?