“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
Sinners are much more fun…”
-Billy Joel
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So there was this woman that was living in sin – yeah, you know what that means – the avoidance of matrimony, holy or otherwise, and she had the nerve to live under the same roof with a man.
“I don’t know if he’s the one,” she said.
“I’m not ready for that,” she said.
Of course the parents that she was stuck with – the ones that she never saw – didn’t approve of this one bit.
“It goes against the Bible,” they said.
“We don’t know what to tell our friends,” they said.
Well, this woman just went on living her life because she knew that trying to please them was a waste of time and would only create misery for herself. She was selfish like that.
She cared even less about their Bible or their friends. She was an asshole like that.
“You should really think about marriage,” her stepmother prodded, Bible firmly held in hand. “I can plan the wedding for you. I’m quite skilled at making plans.”
The sinner sighed and put her hand to her head.
“I don’t know if he’s the one,” she said.
“I’m not ready for that,” she said.
Days went by, then weeks and months. Finally the day came when the letter arrived – the letter from stepmother – the one that never should have been written at all.
“I’ve got your wedding planned,” the letter began, “I’ve chosen the location, your dress and your ring – you don’t have to worry about a thing!”
“This is fucking insane!” The sinner cried. “She’s got to be completely deranged!”
She got on the phone. She’d prepared her speech – it was an effort not to scream, not to shout or screech.
“This has to be a joke. I don’t want to get married, I’m not getting married, and if it should so happen that one day I change my mind, I will plan it myself. Maybe you could talk to your friends – I’m sure one of them has a funeral that you could arrange for them. Perhaps one will soon decide to kill themselves.”
The stepmother didn’t understand what went wrong. “But I’ve already chosen your maid of honor – it’s going to be your cousin, Trish!”
“I’ve never even met Trish.” The sinner hissed. “I’ve got my own friends – a crucial fact that you’ve obviously missed.”
The wedding never happened. The parents that she never saw were disappointed and spent most of their time trying to figure out what to tell their friends.
Eventually, she stopped living in sin. She decided to leave him, to live alone with a pile of books like a godless heathen.
“What did you do wrong?” The parents asked. “It must have been your fault that it didn’t last. What are you doing, now? This is no life that you have.”
The sinner just smiled and shook her head.
“He wasn’t the one,” she said.
“I wasn’t ready for that.” she said.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
1) The only thing that makes sense is to live for yourself. Forget trying to please others. It is a stupid waste of time to attempt to persuade someone to do something they really don’t want to do.
2) It’s better to be a sinner than to be batshit insane.
3) Trying to force an unwanted marriage on an adult in 21st century America is not only both stupid and batshit insane, but will likely lead to you being mocked on the internet.
Ha Ha I really liked this one. Good story.
Oooo!
I got to add my picture!
HA!
The computer remembered me. Isn’t that funny?
First off, you are an absolute joy and totally make me smile. Secondly, do I count over 100 posts? Jesus, you are an inspiration too!
My two cents:
I grew up a gentile in Utah, and, as you can imagine, I HATED EVERYTHING FAMILY VALUE OR TRADITION ORIENTED. Being non-Catholic, my grandmother felt it was logical to send me to St. Joseph’s High School. I was an outsider in a group of outsiders. The versimilitude of… (was this about marriage?)
Oh yeah!
I’m actually surprised to hear myself say this, but I’m looking forward to marriage. Hell, I don’t need kids. Actually, I don’t even feel like having kids is really my decision. But there is something sweet and sentimental about domestic PARTNERSHIP.
Statistics show that married couples are healthier by every last metric (except weight) when compared to single people. It’s those “DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT” eyes whenever you reach for another glass of wine or cigerette.
Maybe it’s just bachelorhood getting to me, but one day I would like to settle down. I guess what I really should do is work on getting a girlfriend. I need a girlfriend before I can trick a woman into becoming my wife.
LOL!!!
Always nice to hear from you.
~Bill
P.S. Thanks for allowing for the long reply!
Well…
I only get married:
–if it gets me a new language. So far, so good–Chinese (he was gay, I must admit), Farsi, French, Japanese, French.
–if it doesn’t get me any children.
–if my laptop and pile of books, music, cinema, and eating out does not get curtailed or encroached on.
–if it gets me lots of domestic and international travel.
Oh, yeah, and:
–if it gets me a cool little party of my very own making after the theatrical trip to City Hall .
–if, last, but not least, I get to do my own divorce with the aid of NOLO PRESS!
But, naturally, that’s just me…
Chapeau, Chérie!
Oh hello.
Like the new space.
I recognize your independence but you should let folks know that you’ve moved. A lot of people liked reading you – even me – and I had to bust all in your business to get some answers!
Hope life is well.
TGG
I forgot to say thank you so much for adding me to your blogroll! I will be adding one to my new blog site and will be sure to place you on it as soon as I do.
Rasmenia! This was wonderful. And I love books and living like a godless heathen. Sounds like heaven to me!
I seriously hope that this was not a real story or that lady is going to have to plan her own funeral in advance because somebody is going to pull the trigger someday!
Godless heathens live all by themselves with piles of books… holy shit, I’m toast.
I liked the parts that rhymed — it was almost Seussical.
I’ve actually dealt with this before. I live with my boyfriend, and we have a child out of wedlock. Although I do think he is the ‘one’, it does not mean that I have to marry him to make it permanent. Marriage doesn’t even make it permanent, half of them end in divorce. Great post.