13 French Badasses

No, that’s not some sort of oxymoron. If there’s anything that I’ve heard too many times since I’ve started living in France, it’s people (particularly other Americans) talking trash about cowardly French. I’m calling bullshit on this whole “cheese-eating surrender monkey” theory.

1.  Brennus – 4th Century BCE

Brennus was chieftain of one of the Gallic tribes back in the day. In 387 BCE, Brennus led his army in an attack on Rome and entered the city in what is known as the Battle of Allia. After the Romans had received a rather embarrassing beating, they offered 1,000 pounds of gold to Brennus if he would just stop beating the shit out of them. Brennus accepted, but called bullshit on the Roman scale that was being used to weigh out his bribery payment. He whacked the scale with his sword and said, “vae victus!”, or “Woe to the conquered!”  Maybe he was just being difficult, but that’s neither here nor there, is it?

2.  Vercingetorix – b.82 BCE – d.46 BCE

Julius Caesar managed to keep the Galls under his thumb for a while using that whole divide and conquer strategy that we’ve all heard so much about. Well, in spite of it not being a popular opinion, Vercingetorix said, “Hey, guys… we’re all from the same country. We should get together and kick this guy to the curb. Whattaya say?”  Well, the nobles didn’t really go for that shit, so Vercingetorix roused a bunch of the poor and proceeded to shake things up. He made alliances with several other tribes, took Roman hostages and burned villages just to keep the Romans from living off of their land. A guy like this gets his own statues, movies and video game characters. You can’t tell me that isn’t awesome, because it is.

3.  Charles “The Hammer” Martel – c.688 – d. October 22, 741 CE

Okay, first of all… the guy is referred to as “The Hammer.” Second, Charles Martel is credited with the victory of the Battle of Tours, which was an important event in world history due to the fact that it prevented Muslim expansion throughout Western Europe. Think about that – it would be a different world, wouldn’t it? If that weren’t enough, Martel is also considered to be the founding father of heavy cavalry, chivalry, and was the founder of the Carolingian Empire.  Also, check the dude’s crazy eyes. You want to mess with him? I didn’t think so.

4.  Jeanne Hachette – b.1456

Jeanne’s name is actually Jeanne Fourquet, but after an incident of awesome badassery, everyone started referring to her as “Jean the Hatchet.” What happened was this: on June 27, 1472, troops sent by the Duke of Bergundy showed up in the village of Beauvais. The Bergundians started to give them all a slapping and even planted a flag. When Jeanne saw this, she grabbed an axe, pounced on the audacious douchebag who planted the flag and threw him in the moat. She then took his flag, snapped it in half and tossed it on his corpse.

5.  Jean Parisot de la Valette – c.1494 – d. August 21, 1568

Jean de Valette was born into a noble family in Quercy. In 1538, he was sentenced to spend 4 months living in a hole in the ground after he nearly beat a man to death. He was then exiled to Tripoli and after some debacle involving a slave, was made a galley slave by pirates for a year. In time, he eventually worked his way up – not unlike Wesley in The Princess Bride – and became Grand Master of the Knights Hospitaller. In 1565, Valette spanked the Turks at the Seige of Malta and made an unprecedented display of class when he refused the cardinal’s hat as a prize.

6.  Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette – Sept. 6, 1757 – May 20, 1834

Ok, I’m sure that you’re looking at his picture and are thinking, “Hey, who’s the fancy boy?” Well, if you’ve forgotten your 8th grade American history, I’ll give you a quick reminder. Lafayette hung with George Washington and contributed to the American Revolution. After taking a bullet in battle, he insisted on finishing what he was doing before accepting treatment. Yes, he was the Jack fucking Bauer of the American Revolution. The Oneida tribe gave Lafayette the name “Kayewla,” meaning “fearsome horseman,” as opposed to “fancy boy.”  It’s safe to say that there were probably plenty of people who were afraid of the guy.

7.  Jean Danjou – April 15, 1828 – April 30, 1863

Most people are already aware that the French Foreign Legion is nothing but a bunch of badasses. Well, Danjou was the boss of them, which I don’t have to tell you is not a job for a sissy boy. In 1853, Danjou lost his hand in battle, had it replaced with a wooden hand and just kept on fucking shit up for the next 10 years before taking a bullet in the chest at the Battle of Camarón and dying in battle. Of course, that was only after he went to each of his men one by one with a bottle of wine, making them each swear not to surrender, no matter what. They didn’t.

8.  Jean Moulin – July 20, 1899 – July 8, 1943

Jean Moulin was an illustrator and préfet who became a high-profile member of the French Resistance during World War II. He was captured by the Germans in 1940, who tried to use him to fuck over Senegalese French Army troops. Moulin responded by attempting to slit his own throat with a peice of broken glass. He then started wearing scarves and hanging out with other leaders of the Resistance. In 1943, he was arrested by the Germans and interrogated. Moulin died as a result of the torture that was inflicted upon him, but he never told the Germans anything.

9.  Marcel Cerdan – July 22, 1916 – October 27, 1949

Cerdan is considered to be the greatest boxer in France; possibly even all of Europe. He only lost 4 fights of 117. Cerdan became world boxing champion when he knocked out Tony Zale in the 12th round in New Jersey on September 21 of 1948. Yep. Champion. Of the world.

10.  Jean Paul Belmondo – April 9, 1933 –

Ok, Belmondo isn’t a military leader and he doesn’t wield any axes or hammers. However, he is still a badass. If you haven’t seen any of his movies, all it takes is a quick gander at a one or two YouTube videos and you’ll see what I mean. Belmondo is a soccer player, a boxer and an on-screen tough guy who preferred to do his own stunts. He could probably take you… not to mention that he’d look much cooler than you while he did it. I mean… just LOOK at the guy. Quelle classe.

11.  Jacques Mesrine – December 28, 1936 – November 2, 1979

Did you know that France has mobsters? Yeah, well they do. The most notorious of which would be Jacques Mesrine. Mesrine did the typical mobster things, kidnapping, shooting people, holding judges hostage, arms smuggling, robbing banks… but to give his bank robberies an extra flair, he’d rob two banks in one day. Because he fucking could.  Mesrine was a master of disguise and once almost killed a journalist because he didn’t like what had been written about him. Mesrine was hunted by authorities and eventually gunned down at Porte de Cligancourt, not far from our apartment in Paris.

12.  Zinedine Zidane – July 23, 1972 –

During the final game of the 2006 World Cup, in what was already planned to be Zidane’s final game, during the 2nd overtime, an Italian player named Materazzi decided to start shit with Zidane. First, he grabbed Zidane’s jersey, then insulted his mother and sister. Well, everyone learned that day that if you talk shit about Zidane’s mother and his sister, even during a very important moment of a very important game, you get a flying headbutt to the chest that will knock you flat on your ass in front of the entire fucking world.

13.  David Belle – April 29, 1973 –

David Belle is the son of a badass, and was raised to be a badass rather than a shiftless slacker. David Belle has military, gymnastic and martial arts training. He also gets some gigs here and there as an actor,  stunt man and stunt coordinator. The real awesomeness, though, is that this guy is the founder of Parkour. What?  You don’t know what that is? Seriously, Google that shit. Basically, it’s the practice of being able to completely own any obstacle in your path – jumping over stuff, running up a damn wall… yeah, Matrix-looking shit without any wires or CGI. He can run from rooftop to rooftop like Hellboy. Really, unless you’re the goddamn Batman, I wouldn’t mess with the dude. He’s just packing too much awesome.