French Table Manners

From time to time, I’ll read blogs and articles that have been written by other expats living in France. Some of these people are “travel experts.” Others are people who have visited Paris once or twice. Many are expats like myself.

One topic that always seems to come up is French table manners. It seems that many Americans are confused about French table manners and possibly, even a bit intimidated.

That’s silly. There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s just people eating food. And besides, they’ve done away with the guillotine over here.

I am not a travel expert (what the hell does that mean, anyway?) and I’m not snobbish enough to have earned the joy of having an etiquette stick shoved up my ass, but I likely know more than the average tourist and my opposable thumbs have allowed me to use a knife and fork for the past few years without a major incident. There are a few things I’ve read pertaining to French table manners that make me think that perhaps some people are just taking this shit way too seriously.

1) “Don’t say ‘bon appétit,’ as this has become a little ridiculous.”

Bullshit. I’ve had French people wish me “bon appétit” at the goddamn KFC just as I was shoving a chicken leg in my mouth. It seems to me that even if this were considered ridiculous, the French still dig it. I guarantee that later on tonight, as we’re sitting down to eat our pizza, my French husband will say, “bon appétit.”

2) “Do not place your napkin on your lap until the lady of the house puts hers in her lap.”

Uh… I’m not sure whose house this person was eating at. I’ve never been invited to any French person’s house for dinner where I have seen that anyone was even paying attention to when each person put a napkin in their lap. I have made inquiries about this to a few of the French people I know. They responded by shaking their heads and telling me to stop reading bullshit on the internet written by rich American tourists.

3) “Never put your bread on your plate.”

It’s true that we Americans have been taught to put our bread on our plates. If I had put my bread on the table and showered the floor with breadcrumbs, my mother would have gotten all sorts of weird purple veins bursting all over her forehead while she shouted angry sentence fragments. In France, everyone puts their bread on the table.  Supposedly, it HAS to be on the left side of your plate.

Well, guess what? If you put your bread to the right side of your plate (which I often do, without thinking because I’m right-handed) or if you set your bread down on your plate out of habit, do you know what the French people seated at the table are likely to do?

DO YOU?

They will just continue going about their business finishing their meals like complete monsters.

4) “Show up to dinner at 15 minutes after the agreed time. If dinner is at 8pm, do not arrive at 7:50, nor at 8:00. Arrive at your host’s home at 8:15.”

What is this shit? Who are these people? I don’t think I want to have dinner with them. I’ve had French dinner guests arrive at my home late, early and right on time. They’re kind of unpredictable like regular people that way. Weird, isn’t it?

5) “Never eat with your fingers.”

This… well, I almost don’t know what to say about this. I’ve seen countless French people eating hamburgers with a knife and fork. When I asked my husband, “Why are all of these people eating their burgers like that?” His reply was: “It’s on plate.” I admit that I’m a bit confused, as the French eat their bread and cheese with their hands and the cheese is on a plate.

French people will also eat pizza with a knife and fork. I’ve also been told by a few French people that they use a knife and fork for these things simply because that’s what they’re used to. Things like sandwiches aren’t as popular in France as compared to the U.S., so some people just find it easier to do what they’ve always done. Other people simply don’t know any better.

However, in all the time that I have lived here, I’ve been eating my french fries and burgers with my hands. As of this writing, there has yet to be any sort of international incident because of this. I refuse to conform to this nonsense. I’m not taking a fork to my cheeseburger. I’m using my hands. The truth is, the French don’t eat with their fingers as much as they should.

6) “Always keep both hands on the table.”

I confess… I was caught in the act of having my left hand in my lap during dinner one time. It was due to force of habit, of course. Many Americans have been taught to keep the hand that they’re not using tucked away under the table, on their lap. It is true that in France, people generally keep both hands on the table. Only one time did someone comment to me about this. Very nicely, the person told me, “In France, everyone keeps both hands on the table.”

All right… not a big deal, thanks for the heads up. I have read horror stories on other blogs and travel websites written by people who have been insulted or chided for using their crass, brutish table manners.

Either these Yanks are total pigs at the dinner table, or the French people that they’ve been hanging out with are just mean and like to make foreigners feel like jerk-offs.

Actually, what I’m betting on is that most of these people simply like to exaggerate, making it seem as though getting through a French dinner is some daunting, awkward event, so that the Americans back home will be even more in awe of their French experience.

I’ve found one technique that really works: just ask. I’ve asked countless times: “Why do people in France eat burgers with a knife and fork?”

Well, someone will tell you.

I’ve asked, “If I put my napkin in my lap before the hostess, am I an asshole?”

The response I generally get is: “That’s not why you’re an asshole.”

The bottom line here is this: if Sarkozy has invited you to dinner, than maybe you should go study your goddamn forks, be prepared to watch what everyone does with their napkin and quit reading this shit.

On the other hand, if you’ve been invited to dinner by some friends who happen to be French, or French family members, they’ll likely be more than happy to help you out. I have yet to meet a French person who is not willing to answer sincere questions about their culture.

Just pretend that you’re dining with human beings instead of fancy, elitist creatures from the Planet Snobbery.