“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” -Albert Einstein
“In youth we learn; in age we understand.” -Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach
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Ok, here’s the thing about me and blog tags: I usually ignore them. On the rare occasion that another blogger writes a post about something and then “tags” me to tackle the same topic, my normal response is to read it, possibly comment on it and then go about with my daily scowling and mocking.
However, I have been known to play along when the topic is interesting enough, if I think that I might be able to have fun with it, the planets are in the proper alignment. It also helps if I’m kind of drunk.
So it was that my friend Stephanie, on her blog, called me out when she wrote a rather cool post in the form of 3 letters – to her past, present, and future selves.
So I said, “giddy up.”
The thing is, if I could go back in time and say something to that dumber, younger me, at which point in time do I have a chat with her?
Maybe I could go back to see her at age 7. Then I could tell her:
“Don’t put that in your nose. Yes, I’m serious. I know it looks neat, but this will not end well.”
Right. Perhaps that wasn’t such a crucial moment. Might be better to visit her at age 12, right when that awkward, terrible insecure shit was starting. Perhaps I would have been able to provide some sort of comfort. I might have told her: “I know it’s embarrassing, and I know it’s unfair, but kids are shits and they’re cruel. But, it isn’t going to stop anytime soon, so you’re going to have to suck it up. Besides, you won’t mind being called “weirdo” later on. In fact, I promise that you’ll be wearing it like a badge of honor very soon.
As for that other shit that they’re saying, you know it’s not true and when you’re me… well, let’s just say that when you’re me, people will be a little more careful about how they speak to you.
Oh, yeah… and there are those assholes now. See that one? Yeah, the one who threw that balloon filled with shaving cream at you. Well, he’s going to try to hit on you at a party in a few years. He’ll be drunk and well… you’ll see, but trust me – it’s pretty funny. And the one standing next to him? He’ll be dead soon. And the one over there? Well, he gets it the worst. That one, he’s average.”
Ah… fuck it. Here’s a pen. Grab that paper over there. Write it down.”
Then again, what I know now might be a bit more useful to that juvenile delinquent, 16 year-old me…
“Here’s the thing about jail cells, rehabs and whatnot: you’re not going to be spending much more time in them after a while. Really, it’s not your fault that you keep ending up in situations like this. You’ll rise above it. I wish I could tell you how – I really do, but see, it’s complicated and you probably shouldn’t know too much right now. Something about stepping on butterfly wings – anyway, I think you’re better off not knowing too much.
Well… except that you’re stupid, but you’ll get smarter. What? Yeah, fuck you, too. Anyway, it’s too bad that they don’t let you have a pen and paper in here. At least you have plenty of books to read. Steinbeck. Nice. Good choice.”
Maybe it’d be easier to have a sit down with me at 19…
“Okay… so, it seems that you’re still a bit of a mess. But, you’re getting smarter. That’s a good thing. Wow… look at that. I’ve had the scar for so long that I had forgotten what the wound looked like when it was new.
Well… it’s not so bad. I mean, it’s hell now, I know. But, wounds heal and scars are important. You’ll be freaked out about knives for, uh… for forever, probably. At least the next 20 years or so, but you’ll be like the phoenix, rising from ashes and all that triumphant shit. Actually, you’re going to get really good at that. Trust me on this one.
I’d almost forgotten how hard it is to be you. It gets easier and I wish I could help you with all of this, but… I’m afraid I can’t. I can’t rescue you, or provide warnings and sage advice. See, I kind of need you to suffer through this. It sounds selfish, sure. But, the thing is, your suffering makes me what I am and well… I’m just not willing to change that. But, you know this already… don’t you?”
Ah, fuck it. Younger me never listened to anyone, anyway. I could just fast forward in time to present me, but that would just turn into a lecture on why she shouldn’t have eaten an entire Domino’s pizza for lunch because now I’m suffering for it.
That really leaves me with only future me and all I can really say to her is, “I can’t believe that you’ve managed to put up with us for all this time.
Oh… and please don’t put that in your nose. This never ends well.”
I didn’t even know what a “tag” was but it sounds like it requires running around and that is at the bottom of my list of 1001 things to do before I die.
Nevertheless, always a fan of your crankiness, I decided to read on and found that your missives to your ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future were quite poignant in a tough love-ish (not to make you puke and don’t take it as a license to have babies) way. I would have liked hearing you talk to my past, present, and future selves. I liked your honesty and your tone.
On another note, there is actually an old disembodied spirit that recommends doing the letter writing exercise with photos of one’s self before one and complementing it with some meditative visualizations. I’ve done that before and it usually moves me to tears. Whatever…
Glad you didn’t mind running around a bit. It was good exercise for me!
(Would you believe me if I told you that my word verification for this little clin d’oeil was “conflict?” It should come as no surprise to you…)
By the sound of it, teenage you was exactly the sort of person I would have loved to hang out with. This is such an interesting exercise that I am almost tempted t try it.
I wasn’t sure how you felt about blog tags, but I am so very glad you did decide to do it! I don’t always do them, either, but sometimes an interesting one will come along and I will actually WANT to do it, heh. I loved this (as I do all of your writing) and had a good laugh. “If I knew THEN, what I know now” I don’t know that I would change anything, really, either…because it has made me who I am today and I am definitely ok with that!