I admit it. I’m a TV junkie. Okay, well… that’s not accurate. I detest TV, but am addicted to various TV series. I’ve been this way ever since the first time I saw this:
Don’t even get me started on my movie problem.
Now, it’s worse. TV has become so much better. The writing is tighter. The production value is higher. Many of the actors are more skilled. There’s more networks. Even with handful of channels, there’s probably something on. Reruns of an old sitcom. News. A documentary. A ridiculously censored version of an otherwise great movie.
When I lived in the States, there was something on at any time of day. Maybe not something I felt like watching, but there was always something.
But, now… now I live in France. And French TV sucks. Here’s why:
1. IT’S FULL OF CANCELLED SHOWS (THAT WERE CANCELLED FOR SUCKING)
French networks can cheaply acquire forgotten TV shows. So, they do. The result is several lousy shows on TV that nobody’s interested in. They air a sitcom that only has a handful of episodes, then a few days later, it’s gone. No one gave a shit when it arrived, no one gives a shit when it’s gone.
Sure, some great shows get cancelled prematurely and unfairly. Arrested Development. Unsupervised. Freaks & Geeks. I’m talking about the opposite of that. And to make it worse, these awful shows are made even more awful by the dubbing. Which brings us to the next reason why French TV sucks.
2. DUBBING
France doesn’t have much original programming. Much of it comes from the U.S. and Canada, but there is also a very large amount from Germany and other parts of Europe. So, some translation is needed and shows end up getting dubbed. A few shows have the option of watching the program in its original version (VO) as opposed to the French version (VF) but most of them don’t.
People who truly love movies, or really get into a certain series often prefer to watch in VO with French subtitles. I don’t blame them. I can’t imagine watching Life is Beautiful dubbed in English, rather than watching the original Italian version with English subtitles. Or watching an ill-fitting American accent coming out of Amélie Poulain’s mouth. On the other hand, there are a lot of people who don’t give a shit and dubbing is a business, so it’s likely to continue this way. During our visit to Argentina, I was blown away by all of the subtitles. There’s very little dubbing and a large variety of programming.
To be fair, it’s harder to tolerate the dubbed version when you know what the actor’s voices really sound like. The dubbed voice will sound completely fucking ridiculous and annoying 98.8% of the time. See for yourself what happens to the Khaleesi after she’s been given the VF treatment.
But, it could be worse. What’s worse is the lazy dubbing. And yes, this is my segue into reason number three.
3. LAZY DUBBING
This is one of the things I hate the most about French TV. Imagine you’re trying to watch a documentary in your native language. Now imagine someone chattering on top of that in your second language. Despite the fact that you can make out several of the words in both languages, they still get mixed up together in a nonsensical, irritating word salad that clogs your ears. This makes it impossible to fully understand or appreciate exactly what is being said.
For most non-French documentaries and all imported reality shows, a French audio track is simply played on top of the program. I call it lazy dubbing, but technically it isn’t really dubbed… it’s worse than that.
For reality shows like the Kardashian Shit Show or Toddlers & Tiaras, I don’t care, because I wouldn’t watch that assholery in the first place. But, occasionally, there’s a decent-looking documentary on that I wouldn’t mind watching, but don’t because I can’t stand listening to two different audio tracks playing at the same time.
4. EPISODE NUMBERS ARE MEANINGLESS DIGITS AND SHOULD BE IGNORED
For a while, one of the networks here aired reruns of Friends during my lunch hour, so I’d have it on while I scattered crumbs of grilled cheese sandwich all over my shirt. One day, Phoebe was giving birth to triplets. The very next episode, she was pregnant. The next one after that, she was just normal-sized, not pregnant Phoebe.
One day you’re watching a character die, then the next, they’re still alive and nothing in the world makes any goddamn sense. One day, The Doctor is being played by David Tennant. The next, Christopher Eccleston. Then it’s Matt Smith.
For some reason, airing episodes out of order and fucking up character and story arcs doesn’t seem to be a big deal here. I’ve found that asking French people for some insight as to why this happens leads nowhere, as they’ll likely just shrug, make a fart noise and tell you that it’s your own fault for trying to watch something on TV, because there’s never anything good on, anyway.
5. SHOWING THE SAME EPISODE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Another thing that frequently happens is that a TV network here will air the same episode repeatedly. One day, you happen to come across that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Penny gives Sheldon the Leonard Nimoy napkin for Christmas. It’s cute, it’s funny, so you laugh and think, “Well, that’s cool. I didn’t know Big Bang was on this channel at this time. Maybe I’ll tune in again tomorrow.”
So, you do. The next day, you tune in for all the nerd laughs only to find yourself in some boring version of Groundhog Day where you’re watching Penny give Sheldon a napkin again.
6. MOST PROGRAMMING IS AT LEAST ONE OR TWO YEARS OLD
One thing about this has recently changed: French viewers can now pay to watch episodes from the current season of Game of Thrones. (Because someone figured out that giving people good TV cuts down on the rate of illegal TV piracy.) For most other things, they’re at least one or two seasons behind, which in internet time is like, centuries. I mean, why would I want to watch a dubbed version of the first season of Justified when anyone can watch all four seasons in the original version with those sassy southern accents?
7. LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
I shit you not. This show is rerun in its entirety all the time. The dubbing is ridiculous and the theme music is frequently used in other French programs, like reality and news shows. I do not understand the fascination. I’ve asked around, but this cheese factor of this show seems to be about the same here as it is among my American friends, so it remains a mystery.
8. MANY NETWORKS ARE OWNED BY THE SAME COMPANY
When you have several TV networks owned by just a few companies, you don’t get much diversity in programming. One day, that reality shit show is on channel 6. A few months later, it’s on channel 9 because they’re owned by the same company.
A FEW BRIGHT SPOTS IN THE SUCKY WASTELAND
France is quite capable of good, original programming, but you have to sift through the sea of game shows and imported merde, or stay up very late. One example would be Un village français, which is very well-made WWII drama. ARTE is a French-German channel that has excellent programming: documentaries, classic and current films from various countries that are almost always in VO, and various travel and arts-related programming.
Of course, I have my own ideas on how to make French TV better. Like, if they’re going to import TV series, start importing something better than Glee or Pimp My Ride.
