French Table Manners

French Table Manners

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
From time to time, I'll read blogs and articles that have been written by other expats living in France. Some of these people are "travel experts." Others are people who have visited Paris once or twice. Many are expats like myself.One topic that always seems to come up is French table manners. It seems that many Americans are confused about French table manners and possibly, even a bit intimidated.That's silly. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just people eating food. And besides, they've done away with the guillotine over here.I am not a travel expert (what the hell does that mean, anyway?) and I'm not snobbish enough to have earned the joy of having an etiquette stick shoved up my ass, but I likely know more than the average tourist and my opposable thumbs have allowed me to use a knife and fork for the past few years without a major incident. There are a few things I've read...
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Misanthropy at the Movies

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
At the restaurant inside the movie theater, Olivier & I sat down at the table.  He started eating.  I was struggling with the impenetrable plastic package holding my napkin & brittle plastic fork."Man... did you get a load of those fucking people that were in line in front of us?"Olivier responded by nodding his head.  His mouth was full of sandwich.  He swallowed.  "Yeah, they were pissing me off, too," he said.  Sip of soda.  Swallow.  "The wife was smashing her elbow into my ribs while she bitched about napkins to the person working behind the counter."My fork was now free.  I pulled my sandwich apart & began flicking bits of tomato off of it.  "Seriously... you'd think that her husband could have corralled their kids while she did her bitching."  Tomato.  Flick.  "I thought that they were going to start climbing my legs as if I were a mighty oak.  I love how people think that any other adult...
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13 French Badasses

13 French Badasses

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
No, that's not some sort of oxymoron. If there's anything that I've heard too many times since I've started living in France, it's people (particularly other Americans) talking trash about cowardly French. I'm calling bullshit on this whole "cheese-eating surrender monkey" theory. 1.  Brennus - 4th Century BCE Brennus was chieftain of one of the Gallic tribes back in the day. In 387 BCE, Brennus led his army in an attack on Rome and entered the city in what is known as the Battle of Allia. After the Romans had received a rather embarrassing beating, they offered 1,000 pounds of gold to Brennus if he would just stop beating the shit out of them. Brennus accepted, but called bullshit on the Roman scale that was being used to weigh out his bribery payment. He whacked the scale with his sword and said, "vae victus!", or "Woe to the conquered!"  Maybe he was just being difficult, but that's neither here nor there,...
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The Birthday Mud Jump

The Birthday Mud Jump

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
"I think I can make it," I said, taking a few steps back.Olivier was looking down at the small stream. "Are you sure?" He laughed, just a little. "It's kind of far. It might be too far to jump. We can find another way around it.""No way," I said, taking a few more steps back. "I just need a running start.""Okay," he said, shrugging. I watched him as he stepped across the water and mud. "You're sure, now? I can help you across, you know.""Nah... fuck that," I said. "It's no more than 3 feet. I can do it."I stood there in my pajamas, in the middle of the forest. It was Olivier's birthday and we decided to take a detour through the forest before going to the bakery to pick up his cake.I took a look around, too see if there were any possible eyewitnesses in the forest before I made my daring leap.There was no one besides Olivier...
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Souricide. It’s Possible That I’m Easily Amused.

Souricide. It’s Possible That I’m Easily Amused.

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
We pulled into the parking lot of the Intermarché. Olivier jumped out of the car while I grabbed the magic token that we use to unchain a shopping cart.Yeah, chains. Magic tokens. See, the carts are all chained together at the grocery stores in France. You need to have a Euro coin or a magic plastic token to stick in a little slot, thus releasing the chain and granting you shopping cart privileges.You can't get your coin back until you chain it up again, so it kind of sucks as far as stealing a shopping cart goes. You know, because sometimes you need one to pull jackass stunts and pranks.So, we walked around with our rented shopping cart and began tossing shit into it. Handing the list back & forth, neither one of us paying attention to what the other is putting in there. We go stand in one of the two very long lines. It's almost 7pm. The store's about...
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13 Mothers of Invention

13 Mothers of Invention

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
1.  Sybilla Masters - d.1720 Sybilla was an American colonist back in the day. Now and then, the native population would give the colonists the gift of corn - you know, as opposed to baking them pies. Sybilla invented a mill that would clean and grind the corn, which allowed the colonists to use it for various food and clothing products. Sybilla's husband Thomas was granted a patent for the mill in 1715 by the British courts. Thomas Masters actually held two patents on behalf of his wife, since women and minorities had no right to own a patent, because who in the fuck did they think they were, anyway? Sybilla was the first American woman inventor in documented history, but it's a pretty safe bet that women have been inventing and getting shafted on the credit since the beginning of time. 2.  Mary Dixon Kies - 19th CenturyIn 1809, Mary was issued a patent for inventing a process for weaving straw...
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