Cold Medicine Inspires Brilliant Ideas

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
It never fails. If I have nothing to do, no one to see and nowhere to be, I feel great. If I have plenty of things that I have to do, places to go and a busy social calendar, my nose will turn into a snot faucet. My throat will become sore and I will cough up mucous in an endless stream in between violent sneezes.I was sick at my wedding. The last time I went back to Colorado to visit friends and family during Thanksgiving, I had a horribly contagious cold.It never, ever fails.Now that the Hotel Massoud (a.k.a our home) is booked solid from September 7th to September 22nd, I'm all hopped up on cold medicine and have sneezed so much that the cat has made herself scarce, refusing to be in the same room with me.I think Olivier is enjoying this, though. I can barely speak, which means that I cannot effectively piss and moan about anything,...
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Hedwig & The Banshee Must Be Destroyed

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
I once had a neighbor who was from Arkansas. I lived in the apartment directly below hers. When her kitchen sink had a leak, she piled a bunch of towels & dirty clothes under the leak. Of course, after a few weeks of this, the result was a smelly pond that appeared in my apartment within a matter of minutes in the middle of the night.Another neighbor I had held his girlfriend's family hostage, which resulted in a standoff with the police for over 12 hours before he finally released all of the hostages & blew his brains out.One neighbor painted a deer turd with gold spray paint, hung it on a chain & gave it to me as a gift when I moved into the neighborhood.Of course, I can't forget the neighbor who raped & beat a girl to death. He was found in Guatemala 2 months later by America's Most Wanted & I watched the whole thing on...
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Bon Anniversaire: Kentucky Fried Matrix at the Copa

Bon Anniversaire: Kentucky Fried Matrix at the Copa

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
So, last week I turned 34. I think that turning 34 is for the most part one of those really anti-climactic birthdays. I mean, it doesn't feel any different than being 33.Since Olivier is, as my 12 year-old sister describes him, "awesome", 34 was anti-climactic, but did not suck by any means.I awoke in the morning & had breakfast in bed brought to me by a crazy Frenchman singing "Copa Cabana". You really can't beat that. You can't...just try...you can't do it.He surprised me by informing me that he had taken the day off from work & then gave me a "pierrade". No, that isn't something dirty. "Pierre" is simply the French word for stone. A "pierrade" happens to be a groovy little stone that you can slap raw meat on - it cooks it, then you eat it with sauce. It's a similar concept to fondue...um, but without the fondue pot...or...
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Big City Dip Shit Games Vol. 4

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
Big City Dip Shit Games Vol. 1Big City Dip Shit Games Vol. 2Big City Dip Shit Games Vol. 31. Play sidewalk cock block. This can be done anytime: while out running errands, sight seeing, or anytime you have nothing better to do.Simply walk on any street in the city, and as soon as you sense someone walking behind you, stop moving. Just as the person tries to pass you, begin moving again.Remember, the object of the game is to never, ever let anyone pass you. You want to absolutely hinder any progress that they may have been making to get from A to B.Sidewalk cock block is most challenging when played as a solo activity, but can be much more entertaining when played with a group of your friends. You can take up the entire width of the pavement, creating a more effective and unnerving obstacle!2. Perform a chunky suicide. All you have to do for this one is head...
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The “Fuck It” Method for Fleeing the Country

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
Just in case any of you have ever thought that you might like to flee the country & live elsewhere, I've decided to share with you my own, patented 10-point system to make it happen.1. Stop dating. Dates are horrible rituals that feel more like an audition, anyway. Fuck that - start dating online. The best way is to find someone in another country so that you don't have to go out to dinner or movies or any of that shit with them.2. After about a year of emails, phone calls & trips overseas, begin the process of inundating yourself with a bunch of bullshit paperwork & red tape to bring your foreigner to the United States.3. Decide, "fuck that" when it becomes too much work. Discover that it's easier for an American to go to another country than it is for a foreigner to come to the states. Remind yourself that the more distance between you & Bush, the...
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Big City Dip Shit Games Vol. 3

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
Just in case you've missed the first 2 weeks of class:Big City Dip Shit Games Vol. 1 Big City Dip Shit Games Vol. 21. Go bus seat wrestling. This is a good way to pass the time on any city bus as you make your way to your destination.Just stand in the bus and wait for some poor sucker to walk over to an empty seat and place your body between the person and the seat. If they seem to be ignoring you, they're most likely faking. That's just how the game is played. Give them a little nudge to let them know: game on!To make this more fun, start jabbering nonsensical sentence fragments at your opponent in a foreign language. When you see the expression of helpless confusion on their face, give them a good shove.2. Sell black market cigarettes. All you have to do is buy cheap cigarettes in another country, smuggle them across the border and then stand...
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