The Science of Dry Humping

The Science of Dry Humping

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
"It seems to be that southern Europeans are just more intimate socially, whereas I like a lot of personal space - like, a mile from the nearest person is fine for me." — Peter Steele * * * As soon as Olivier and I entered the checkout line, I jumped in front of him, hiding myself from the old lady who was getting in line right behind us. "What are you doing?" he asked me. "Creating a safety buffer. This way, the person behind us in the line can't dry hump me." "Bad plan. Now I can dry hump you," he said. "That's okay. We're married. That falls under the 'acceptable' column on my list of public dry humping requirements," I said, peering over his shoulder at the geriatric menace lurking behind him. This is something that has become routine; creating a buffer zone in public whenever possible. For an American living in France, this is something that is absolutely necessary, unless you just happen to be...
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Paris: Real & Surreal

Paris: Real & Surreal

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
There are certain places around the globe you can go to that just don't seem real.  Standing before certain buildings, monuments & natural wonders can often be a very surreal experience, feeling less like a day out of real life & a lot more like being on a movie set.Or, more accurately... in an actual movie.Whenever I go to Washington D.C., it feels bizarre to me, as though I've been inserted into the middle of a news report, or some exciting action flick.  I've constantly got my eyes peeled for a bad guy to come tearing through the crowd, pursued by a determined hero with a pistol in his hand.  I periodically check the skies for aliens, who as we all know, only land in major cities with well-known buildings & monuments.As anyone can imagine, Paris is no different.  In fact, for Americans, it's probably even more surreal.  Seeing something like the Eiffel Tower for the first time is an...
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French Haters: Your Ignorance is Showing

French Haters: Your Ignorance is Showing

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
So... a Frenchman walks into a bar. No, wait... how many Frenchmen does it take to... wait, no. Have you heard the one about the French guy who -Seriously... shut the fuck up.It's no secret that I've got a lot of pet peeves. People are constantly grating on my nerves. I simply do not have a lot of patience where people are concerned.  Usually, the stupid things they say & do are mildly irritating, easily ignored. Some may piss me off... then there are the other acts of stupidity & running off at the mouth that I absolutely cannot abide.Racist & sexist jokes are a good example.I'm not talking about politically incorrect humor. I'm not referring to friendly jabs & charicatures.  I'm talking about cruel & malicious jokes that are not even intended to be funny. Ignorant & historically inaccurate babble designed to be rude & bigoted without even trace amounts of humor.What's worse is to tell these asinine "jokes"...
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Flirtation & Fashion Shows in the Produce Section

Flirtation & Fashion Shows in the Produce Section

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
I was having lunch with a couple of French friends when the subject of grocery shopping came up.  One might expect that walking into a store, looking for food & paying for it would basically be the same from one place to another.Basically, that's true.  Basically.What surprised them was when I mentioned the fact that on occasion, an American shopper might be hit on in the grocery store.  Of course, we all know that the frozen food aisle isn't exactly ladies' night with half off Tequila shooters, but it does happen.  There's even a movie about it, though I won't be surprised if you haven't seen it.I told my friends about an incident that took place about 10 years ago.  I was in the soup aisle of King Soopers trying to make a serious decision between Progresso & Wolfgang Puck.  Unshowered, in dirty sweatpants & T-shirt, all I cared about at that moment was the can of soup that would...
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Becoming a Germaphobe

Becoming a Germaphobe

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
I used to laugh at germaphobic freaks like me.  I'd see them with their Lysol, alcohol pads & sanitizing gel, talking about "that bug that's been going around" & I would shake my head & laugh.Paranoid freaks.Sitting at my desk, in the office where I worked, I'd watch my coworkers as they passed around a can of Lysol.  "Keep that shit away from me," I'd tell them.  When someone would offer me an alcohol pad to wipe the germs away from the receiver of my phone, I would reply with a "thanks, but I like my phone dirty".I was a drinking, pack-a-day smoker, happily surrounded by millions of dirty microscopic organisms & I enjoyed watching my coworkers sniff, sneeze & hack among the sound of misting Lysol.Not because I'm that sadistic, but because I never got sick.Then I moved to Paris.Once I moved to Paris, I moved about the city the same way as millions of other Parisians: public transportation. ...
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Mont Saint Michel

Mont Saint Michel

by Rasmenia Comment Closed
Not long after I moved to France, I had French friends & relatives telling me about Mont Saint Michel."Have you been?""Um... no, not yet," I'd say."Oh, it is so beautiful - you really must go."After I had been in France for about a year, Olivier & I returned from a trip to Normandy."So, did you visit Mont Saint Michel?""Er, uh... well, no... not yet.""Next time!  Next time, you must go."People kept talking about it.  Everyone that had been there agreed on one thing: this place was fucking awesome & had to be seen.  I started to feel like such lame-ass for not having seen it yet.Eventually, upon making another visit to Normandy, I got the chance.Now, on the wee tiny island of Mont Saint Michel, as you can see behind these two stunning tourists, is a tiny, uh... mountain. (Sorry, I'm from Colorado. My people tend to be snobs when it comes to what constitutes an actual mountain.) At the...
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