Two New People
"When two people meet, each one is changed by the other so you've got two new people." — John Steinbeck...
International Internet Dating: Poop, Pajamas and Paris
It was about 5 years ago. I was sitting in my apartment, writing in the dark, chain-smoking and getting drunk. I wasn't lonely, but I was. I had recently been dumped. Part of me was pissed. Part of me didn't give a shit. Another part of me wanted to be alone. Another part of me didn't.I briefly tried dating. I sucked at it. I wasn't into it. Asshole that I am, I sometimes didn't even show up for a date.Those online personal ads and dating sites kind of freaked me out. Sifting through people from the intoxicated comfort of my own home was somewhat appealing. I didn't have to sober up or bother with changing out of my dirty pajamas with the food stains running down the front.The problem was - I don't know if you've noticed - but there’s a lot of goddamn freaks on those sites. Sure, you might meet a normal one, but for every regular person...
My Clock Can Wait for Uncontrolled Pooping
There comes a time in a marriage when people will begin asking about your plans to start breeding. That time generally falls somewhere between saying "I do" & cutting the cake.Once they've started asking, they won't stop. "So, when are you going to start having kids?" Their eyes are blinking rapidly, focused on you, waiting for an answer.What is the correct response to this one? Do I tell them when we'll be having our next sexy fun time? Do I present a chart with my ovulation cycle? For fuck's sake...I'm still in my wedding dress.There's only one thing to do - drink heavily throughout the duration of the reception.Damn. Only one problem. It doesn't stop after the reception."But your clock is ticking, you know." Now, that's tact. I'm 35. My clock isn't a major concern for me right now. I should punch you in the spine.Is that what marriage is? Get the piece of paper & start pushing out larvae...